When you’ve been tightly wound up for a long time, you’ll eventually snap.
That’s how I will describe my behaviour and feelings for the past 3 mths. Back to sanity now.
Nonetheless, I fear that the feeling will creep back one day. I ask God every night what he wants from me…what’s the path that I’m supposed to walk. Why do I still feel so empty? What lessons have I learnt? I’ve learnt that it’s important to be humble, money can’t buy you happiness nor health and that humans can be so self-serving. I still feel lost and relatively lonely. I’ve got tons of great friends and I’m grateful for them….and I shouldn’t be feeling this way but I still feel lonely and tired of working. The hum-drum of routine grates on me.
Wake up. Brush teeth. Shower. Change. Feed Baileys. Go to MRT. Go to work. Lunch. Work. Go to MRT. Go home. Eat dinner. Entertain myself and Baileys. Shower. Change. Sleep. (Repeat)
OH GOSH! I can’t imagine doing this for the next 30 yrs!!! Ok…pepper this occasionally with vacations, maybe dates, wedding dinners etc. But still?!! Just thinking of it is giving me semi-anxiety attacks. Work. I hate it. Why do we have to do it? To earn $ to buy food, clothes, presents, a home.
I’m getting disillusioned with this industry. It’s built mainly on tons of people who think nothing more than $$$ and then they attempt to give it back through meagre charity events. True, its been said 有钱出钱，有力出力 but (maybe it’s my disillusion talking again) I feel that it’s because the industry has zillions of dollars that it just looks bad to hoard. Ok…but then again, I’m jaded. I am sure that there are people in the industry who donate regulary and volunteer as well.
I’ve signed up for a week’s prayer retreat. It’s just 10 hrs for the next week and hopefully, I can truely understand the Grand Plan a little better. Trust the inner voice that constantly speaks to me (not, I’m not schizo). I really love India Arie’s song “Strength, Courage and Wisdom”. That’s what I ask for everyday. Strength, courage and wisdom to live through the day; to let things be. Now, all I need is to feel alive.